Changing Direction


Ever since starting this blog, I have only ever written a handful of posts. Every time I post again I say to myself that I want to post more regularly, at least once or twice a week or so, but then I sit here with nothing to say. I have decided recently that I think this is because the direction of this blog is no longer as inspiring to me as it was when it first began.

The original goal was to break down the concepts and philosophies that I used in my practice and bring them into the everyday. Since around the time of starting this blog though, my practice has become more and more serious and many times I find that I can’t in all honesty break certain concepts down to any more “mundane” terms, so it often leaves me with a mind full of racing thoughts, and a perfectly blank page in front of me, but nothing whatsoever to actually say.

To cure this tongue tied writers block I think the best course of action would be to change the direction of this blog a bit. I want to begin utilizing this space to discuss my practice, to brainstorm with others, and to discuss the philosophy and beliefs that influence me. I thought originally that I should start a new blog, something completely fresh and just drop this one off of my radar, but I think I’d rather keep it up. Perhaps the old posts might serve a purpose and if nothing else they illustrate the changes in my understanding and perception over time.

So this is fair warning to any who do read this blog, things will be moving in a more “occult” direction. If that’s not your cup of tea feel free to unfollow, I know it doesn’t suit everyone’s taste and that’s quite alright. I can’t rationalize keeping a blog I don’t write it, or mentally spinning my wheels in silence while I have a perfectly good outlet available, so in an attempt to be honest with myself this appears to be a step in the right direction.


fitzgerald write

Diabolus in Music(k)a

Symbolism utilized by the Polish band Behemoth
Symbolism utilized by the Polish band Behemoth

I originally wrote this for a forum I am a member of, but have reworked it for posting here as well. The original term “Diabolus in Musica”  meaning “the Devil in Music” refers to the Tritone, the augmented fourth of music theory and was dubbed as such by the Church during the middle ages.

When I was young, I was raised in a very strict Christian household. I had friends refer to my mother as the mom from the movie Carrie and they were only half joking. When my parents finally divorced my mother dove head first into the church and overnight anything that was not “church approved” was not allowed in our home. Books, movies, music, anything you can think of, if it wasn’t “Christian” or if it contradicted anything her current pastor was preaching, it would be broken, burned, or tossed out. I was thirteen when this change occurred in my home, and I don’t know if you’ve ever tried telling a thirteen year old girl what to think but needless to say, it was not a smooth transition.

Regardless, I was a musician, music was and is my passion. I play flute primarily, but am proficient on every instrument other than the guitar (I just cannot make sense of that thing). So I used music as an outlet. Friends would burn me CD’s from bands like Slayer, Cradle of Filth, and Deicide, and we would label them with the names of pop bands. I believe CoF’s Midian was labeled as a Backsteet Boys album for example so that when my room was searched it wouldn’t get tossed. There was no privacy at home, everything we had was searched at least once a week and eventually once a day. My mother’s church believed very much in “spiritual warfare” and that objects and subjects could bring spirits or demons into a persons life. She suffered quite a bit  at the hands of my father, we all did, and so I think it was fear that drove how strict our home became.

It was a little before this age, in middle school that I started getting pulled toward the occult. I had a met a boy during a summer music program, and his mother who was the first Wiccan I had ever met gave him a copy of Raising Hell: A Concise History of the Black Arts – and Those Who Dared to Practice Them, to give me. She said I might enjoy it. And she was right. It was found and burned eventually. I was severely punished. Allowed nowhere but school and church. But despite all that I am still glad she thought to pass the book onto me. It is not the most in depth or accurate, clearly not written from a practitioner, and fairly cheesy at some points, but for a kid who knew nothing, it was a pretty good introduction so it seems worth the mention.

By the second half of high school, I was a half-assed practitioner of sorts. A few friends and I had a small working group, and kept a book of notes that we passed back and forth to track everything that seemed important. For my 18th birthday one of them got me a copy of CoF’s Nymphetamine. I had never had the lyric booklets before for any of these bands, and we did not have internet. I fell in love with the lyrical style. It weaved myth and reality in and out in a way I had not realized. I found myself reading them over and over, scouring them as if they were a mini grimoire, and in all honesty, they sort of were. I had always been a fan of literature and adored dissecting the symbolism in poetry so every time I read them another few dots fell into place. At the time though, I thought I was just being rather silly.

In college, the world of metal really opened up to me. I was dating a man who was a fan of Venom and the first wave black metal bands. The first time I went home with him, the album Welcome to Hell was hanging on the wall overhead.


This was the door to everything, but at the time I detested those bands. I felt that music was an Art and that taking occult philosophies and purposefully making them cheesy for the mainstream was one of the lowest and most disrespectful things an artist could do. I have since changed my mind on that obviously. I was majoring in musical performance at the time. Taking theory courses, private lessons, and learning to conduct as well as play. I met an acquaintance who was very eager to get me into some new music, from him I found Amon Amarth, Gorgoroth, and a few other bands who also had pieces to share. This was also the time that I was able to begin researching the occult “legitimately”. And I use that phrase very lightly, but we had a bookstore across from campus and I had internet at last, so it was a start.

A few years later I came across Behemoth who has since become a beloved inspiration to me. For years I assumed that any dots I connected via music were just an illusion, that there was “real” info out there, I just had to find it. In fact I still believed this when I first started this blog. It was only after studying some of these philosophies more in depth that I could start to see the legitimacy of the lyrical content. I remember my head snapping to the side and exclaiming “what the fuck did they just say?!” when I heard the Behemoth lyric “think of me not as one, think of me not as none, think of me not at all, for I am continual” for the first time. I had assumed most metal bands were just putting on a show until that point.
Recently this world has cracked wide open with my discovery of bands such as Dissection and Watain who I adore as well, as I quite literally have integrated bits of their work into mine. It was with these two bands that I discovered the cross over between aspects of the metal world and the occult, were in fact, not all in my head.

A picture of my more recent simple altar set up utilizing the open pentagram concept from ToBL. Clearly, I'm not an artist, but you get the point.
A picture of my more recent simple altar set up utilizing the open pentagram concept from ToBL. Clearly, I’m not an artist, but you get the point.

I write this because I owe each and every one of these bands (as well as many more who are not yet named and are not limited to the metal genre) my utmost respect. When I was in the dark world of Christians, they showed me the light of what would become my own individual path. I thought it was just an outlet, loud music to let out a bit of anger. I thought it was just a release, and it very much was a release, but I see now that it was so much more. Without the march of their blast beats I would not have the pieces I have today, and I would not have been able to escape the traps I had unknowingly walked into once I found the supposedly “real” occult material I had always been looking for. I didn’t need to search so passionately, their voices were calling the whole time. And I want to thank them with all my heart.

Enlightenment and the WHOLE Left Hand Path

I have seen a lot of vitriol and hatred between segments of what I would term The Left Hand Path lately. I have been away from here focusing on studies in this vein, but I really feel it necessary to state my two cents on this topic.

In my opinion, the occult, Satanism, and Luciferianism are all essentially the same thing and that fragmenting them endlessly in order to turn a profit is actually doing more harm than good to those seeking to further themselves.

I have come to find that if something is true, it will manifest itself. Truth does not require Magi to “call it forth” with illusion and half understood psycho-babble. It does not require churches, or Guru’s. A few seeds of truth should be able to flourish and grow to deeper understanding, in accordance with ones Will. The more seeds of truth you find, the faster and more fully things flourish. And this, of course, depends on who and what you surround yourself with.

THIS is why the Left Hand Path is inherently individualized. We are individual manifestations.
Because of this, no two people will always perceive the same SEEDS of truth, even if they still perceive a similar truth overall.

The occult has always searched for enlightenment.
All things condemned by the Judeo Christian systems that have scourged so much of earth, were those which sought truth.

The “church” placed nearly all of it under one banner.
And that banner was evil, sin, and Satan.

They took the gods and systems that had sought to enlighten people through the aeons, and spliced them together into a Frankenstein-esque “Devil”. They forced enlightenment into the darkness. They taught those who were still able to see these bits of truth even within such darkness, that they were damned, evil, and internally corrupt. They taught people to ignore truth, and to ignore their Will.

They taught that enlightenment was sin.

And despite this, there have been people who, throughout the ages, have said “if truth is sinful, then I will be sinful!”
They have stood up, and said “I will be like your Satan, because I seek the truth, because I seek enlightenment.”

THAT is rebellion!

The whole world told them that they were wrong, yet they risked social status, career, well being, and their LIVES for enlightenment.

What enlightenment would exist today without the adversaries in the history of the occult?

There would be no truth left, but that which Christendom approved.

Would it not have been better for these people to have walked away? Would it not have been in the best interest of their self-preservation to settle into the “mundane” world of their time as so many are perfectly happy to do?

And why did they not? Why did they stand in opposition to the dogma of their time?

To pursue truth.

It sure as Hell was not simply to oppose the “status quo” as is so often taught today.

A call to the left hand (personal opinion)


Hello all,

Forgive me for the delay, I have been plagued with real life issues lately. But I am back and do not intend to stay away that long again. Today’s blog will be a bit different. In a moment of clarity an old essay that I wrote popped into my mind. I reread it and spruced it up a bit and realized that it would fit very nicely here.


In today’s modern world, I, like many others assume that life revolves around work, bills and when the time is available, family and friends. From the bustling people I see around me, this is the conclusion I have drawn. But still, in this age of less time, but more technology and education there are social and cultural wars being fought around us daily. And I don’t mean the big wars in the Middle East or the gang wars in the large cities. I mean the stigma wars that take place in so called religious societies. In the eighties this country had a shameful and childish “Satanic scare” that was a media circus version of the Salem witch trials. And now in the new millennia there are conspiracy theories infiltrating the minds of the general population. Some are silly and laughable but some have lead normal suburban type people to hatred and violence.

Those who consider themselves Right Hand Path followers have the luxury of a bigoted point of view. They are surrounded by a like-minded culture where they can pick and choose who they decide to treat as a peer. Not to say in any way that everyone who follows the right hand path is bigoted, that would be an unfair generalization that I in no way intend to make. There are many who are educated, civil and loving people who feel that is the path they belong on, and I salute them for being shining examples of humanity. But they are all too often surrounded by people who are uneducated and far from civil and who feel nothing but fear and hatred. These people have become far too abundant. Their strength lies in their numbers not in their message.

Now my opinion may be biased, but, as a solitary follower of the Left Hand Path I do not have the option of only associating with those who share my views. And I think this is a good thing, I think that such isolation would lead to closed minded thinking, it would cause a halt to my personal evolution and it would make it far too easy to view “outsiders” as enemies or as something to be fearful of. Rather, I think it is better to immerse myself in a culture of multiple viewpoints. Not only does it give me opportunities to learn and experience another way of viewing the world but it allows me to see my own belief system through different perspectives. Doing so keeps me honest. It builds my personal faith; it does not destroy or weaken it. I do not fear that understanding another person’s idea of god is going to weaken my faith in my own, but rather it helps me to see my gods and my faith as a whole in a way that I may not have looked at it otherwise.

To be fearful of another belief or of another’s god would mean that I believed there was a weakness in my faith, or a weakness in my god that would give them access and allow them to “lead me astray”. What these bigoted right hand path followers don’t understand is that their actions show that their personal faith is weak. They believe that they as humans need to protect their “omnipotent” god from outside ideas that could weaken and destroy him. It is as if they don’t even realize that they are disrespecting their god more than any outsider ever could.

I believe Lucifer is strong, I believe he was born out of chaos and that his adversarial ways give him an inner strength that he wouldn’t have had he the option of sitting back and basking in the worship of his followers. I know that living my life as a quiet adversary to the culture around me has made me a better person. It has made me look at my morals from every angle. It has allowed me to play devil’s advocate with my faith (excuse the awful pun). Through doing so, I have found my personal weaknesses and have had no choice but to rectify them. Those of the Right Hand Path have condemned themselves to a culture where they are never questioned. When questioning stops, learning stops, evolution stops and humanities advancement is utterly halted. People become compliant and fearful of losing their comfortable place in the safe center of the social ladder, where all of their misunderstood regurgitated words allow them to be accepted within a culture of spiritual stagnation. But acceptance is acceptance I suppose.

Now, though I am thankful that I do not have the option of becoming stalled and compliant it does not mean that ignorant violence is to be tolerated under any circumstances. This stagnated culture wants a shock; it wants the adrenaline rush that it’s primal instincts need and it will create monsters to fight even when such monsters do not exist. Now those of us who stand as adversaries know that we are possible candidates to become their new monsters. In their minds we are far more fearful than ever logically possible. Some of the Left Hand Path relishes this position, but all of us must understand that such misunderstood thinking is infectious. The more we hear of small random acts of violence the more we must come to realize that there is a chance, always a chance of organized violence against those of us who choose to walk another path. Such behavior calls to mind images of the stake.

As much as many on the left hand path may enjoy playing the part of the adversary, it is essential to know when and where to allow such behavior to take over your personality. Do not fall victim to the mistakes that many make in allowing themselves to become aloof or to feel invincible. Be yourself while also being members of society on some level. I say this as a plea to all on the left hand path, I do not wish to see anyone victimized by hatred or misunderstanding. I in no way mean back down or hide your beliefs. Stand for them until the end. My intent is to say that you must on occasion field the questions of those on the right hand path; do not play mind games, answer them honestly. For everyone on this path who has said some idiotic comment to terrify an already frightened mind, another of our path has likely been persecuted.

We as followers of the left hand path will never be fully understood by the mass population, and we would have it no other way, but, we can save ourselves and others from unnecessary violence if we make an attempt to be educated and civil. Many of this path know this already and to them I owe my gratitude, but there are, unfortunately, many more who feel that it is necessary to play the part and speak theatrically to the “sheep” they see around them. They think that it is a way of rebelling; an amusing game. But, it drags everyone’s name down. It gives fuel to the fires of such intolerant bigotry. I do not respect the sheep mentality but I understand that we on the left hand path must choose our individual battles while still respecting the others of our path, even if we have never met them.


This quote by Aleister Crowley can be found in “The Book of the Law”, and is a main tenant of his belief system; Thelema.

Thank you all for stopping by again =) As always, comments and feedback are most welcome!

Satanism for social equality

Good evening all,

social equality

I know we have all been bombarded with recent news stories surrounding certain satanic groups and their involvement in social politics and free speech. Some support it, some hate it, some think they have clever ways of proving a point, others are disgusted and think satanic groups are too ridiculous to even give attention to. That got me thinking that many people may have no idea where the LHP in general stands on certain issues.

I don’t know who said this, but it made me giggle

Most LHP organizations are very supportive of social equality, for race, gender, orientation, religion (obviously), or anything else. Often in pagan circles you will hear people talking of “coming out”. Now, I don’t mention this to be disrespectful the the hardships that most LGBT people face when coming out to family and friends. Obviously my rather controversial beliefs are a choice that I had the option to make, which makes my situation quite different. But, in one aspect we are the sameWe have a fear of being rejected, often a fear of abuse or being disowned, we too have a need to keep this part of ourselves “quiet” in the workplace. (Would my fundamentalist boss still consider me for that raise if she knew I was “satanic”)?


Many member’s of the LHP community have been physically, verbally, and mentally abused by family members who discovered their beliefs, kicked out and cut off while they were still a minor, or disowned as an adult (for never growing up into a “normal” church going person). I myself spent most of my teen years getting severely abused for my beliefs (whipped, punched, choked,), and forced into “church counseling” where I was repeatedly told that I was evil, and that I could only rationalize my beliefs because I was possessed (I wish I was kidding). I have been lucky enough to remove myself from that situation, but it took me into adulthood before I could do so.


I say all this to say, anyone that has heard that satanist are skinheads, or homophobic, or misogynistic has been ill informed.  (The Baphomet is made of both genders…) We are all quite aware of how terrible social “witch hunts” can be (I mean obviously..shudder). Now, do LHP “denominations” or temples exist with those beliefs? Unfortunately I have come across one or two, but they are very small and mocked by the larger LHP community as a whole for having such utterly backward beliefs.
(Kind of like how most Christians might view the Westboro Baptist Church lol)

Equality and understanding is the only thing that will keep horrors like this from occurring to any group of people.

Again, I don’t speak for any specific group, I can only speak from what I have seen first hand. The LHP as a whole believes in individuality above all else, never let anything or anyone stop you from being who you truly are.

gods as energy? (philisophical rambling)


Gods as energy

Most ancient religions did not have such a “black and white” outlook of their gods. Often the gods held within them some sense of duality, and most gods had some sort of flaw that often got them into trouble (think of Oden’s womanizing (more often raping), and Prometheus’ punishment for wanting to enlighten humanity with the “fire of the gods”, even though it was forbidden). In the beginning even Christianity gave their God faults, the Old Testament is full of phrases like “I am a jealous god”, and I think we can all agree he had a bit of a temper. I mean, was wiping out humanity with a flood really the mature thing to do? Then suddenly in the New Testament, he is far more peaceful and loving, no longer the wrathful god that demanded sacrifices, he is now meant to be known for peace and forgiveness.

A vulgar but accurate representation between the teachings of the OT and the NT.

There are the obvious similarities between Horus and Jesus, and I believe the grieving Isis was transformed into the grieving Virgin Mary (but that’s just my humble opinion). Set has been melded with others (often it seems to be the trickery of Loki) to become the deceiver that we know now as Satan. Ancient goddesses such a Lilitu and Ishtar are no longer the goddesses of power, strength and femininity that they once were. Now they are thought of as frightful demons like Astaroth and shrieking whores like Lilith. In the sad case of Lilitu’s, she has now been all but forgotten by the modern Christian religion.


All of this has been well documented and well theorized upon, by minds far more intelligent than mine. But, the thought that I believe now bares consideration is; what if these similarities go a step farther? Perhaps there is a reason that certain personalities or archetypes have been so well absorbed and accepted through the ages. Perhaps there is more to it that just making a few name changes and then forcefully converting believers. Perhaps, these archetypes exist naturally for all of us.

Ashtoreth - Astarte
Illustration of a “Deific Mask” in Michael Ford’s book “Dragon of the two Flames”.

My theory is that if we remove ourselves from the idea that all of these deities are “literal” creatures, as in anthropomorphic and made of physical “matter”, then a few avenues of thought begin to open up to us. Perhaps rather than seeing these beings as literal deities, we should see them as currents of energy. These deities as we know them may simply be symbolic representations of the forces and the energies that surround us. After all, human history was originally an oral tradition, and things like symbolism, and images of powerful, beautiful, or frightful creatures have a habit of clinging to our memories.

This doesn’t make the “deities” any less powerful, in fact I think it does the opposite. It makes them essentially a force of nature. Similarly, I believe that a working knowledge in chaos magic(k) (if you are unfamiliar start with Peter Carroll) actually gives credence to this path. If these deities are essentially energies that have existed on this earth for (quite possibly) longer than we have, and we are of this earth and made of essentially the same energies then not only would it be beneficial to strengthen our “connection” and our understanding of these energies but also we have the ability to master and enhance these energies in ourselves.

Currently this is just a theory of mine, and I am still pursuing research that may prove me right or wrong, but for now I thought I’d get the basic outline on paper. If you have any ideas or suggestions please share them =)

The “black flame”


Thoth tarot , trump XVII – The Star. Aleister Crowley. (Symbol of a “guiding light”, harmony and balance).


Thanks for coming back =)

Anyone who has spoken with others who follow the LHP or who has done a bit of research has likely come across the phrase “the black flame”. This is really a very important concept (possibly the single most important concept), but it seems like it has become convoluted and has become the cause of many, many, misunderstandings. This is the 3rd post for this blog, so in the vein of completion, I’d like to give you a cursory understanding of this very core concept as we reach the close of what I will consider our introduction.


Seal of the Infernal Union – to many this symbolizes the concept of the black flame


The black flame is a symbolic term. It is essentially the LHP term for the “divine spark” that resides in us all. Over the centuries, many philosophers and religious figures have tried to define what differentiates humans from the rest of animal kingdom.

Remember that LHP practitioners believe that Satan/Lucifer/Set/Prometheus a symbol of knowledge (all knowledge), it is necessary to understanding this concept. I personally believe that having a deep and balanced understanding of both “good” and
bad” knowledge (for lack of a better term)  is what fuels that spark within us.

There is no truly universal definition of this, because much like when you are asked to define your soul, you realize, it can be a very personal definition. But to most LHP practitioners, the black flame is what separates humans from the animals, it’s what burns with in us as the chaotic, rebellious, even sometimes destructive spirit that is necessary to lead to innovation, advancement, and in many cases beauty. According to some, this spark is what initially lead man to more creative endeavors such as music and art.


There are also some very prominent Luciferian groups who believe that a balance between light and dark energies and similarly, male and female energies, is needed to really manifest this sense of self enlightenment. In some sects this concept is defined by a sexual union of two deities; Lilith (pre-christian goddess, mythological queen of hell), and Samael who has both been defined as a demon of war and passion, and, as a being synonymous with Satan himself. This pair is also viewed by many as a sort of opposite but parallel version of what Adam and Eve represent.


I agree with this sentiment, I think a balanced understanding off all the energies both around us and within us, is necessary to know thyself and fuel the spark within us. And so, to close this introduction with a bit of a personal note, here is a short poem I wrote as a way of trying to illustrate my personal interpretation of the black flame;

The flame dances before me
Casting shadows across my world.
It ignites from deep within,
And is born beyond bliss.
I can see truth now,
It emanates from my eyes.
And as such I can see deception,
The whirlwind that is all around.
But, I fear it not,
I am no longer in its darkness,
No longer drowning in that naïve abyss,
This flame has destroyed such lies.
I do not stand within the light,
For now it burns within me.
A raging passion that drives me forward,
And the peace of intuition.

flame 2

Thank you again, for stopping by, and as always please feel free to comment or message if you have any questions. I’d love any feedback!